What have I been doing with my life? To an acquaintance, I have been having the most fruitful time of my life. I would have told you that I have been learning the meaning of life, seeing how the world works, and maturing at an astronomical rate because I am just that impressive. I would have put up this front that would tell those around me, “Augustine is a very successful individual with a very bright future.” But underneath the very thin veneer would be nothing but rotting particle board. Two things, actually three: One, yes, I have been dishonest and distant – I have not been very open vulnerable. Two, it’s interesting how no one is curious enough to scratch the surface of some “perfect” disguise. For me, when something/someone seems too good to be true, I love to poke and prod to find the kinks that are trying to be concealed. Three, I am rotting away…

For over a year, I have not written anything significant. For over two years, I have not finished reading a book. For over 3 years, I have not really picked up any new skill. For over 4 years, my handwriting, my guitar skills, my typing speed, my sleep schedule, my memorization of the Bible, my running time, my biking distance, my hacky sacking, tennis playing, rubix’s cubing, and juggling has not improved in the slightest.

I am basically my 18 year old self at 22. And when I was 18, I was no better than many 15 year olds… Imagine yourself at 15, when you still played your video games and watched your favorite TV series/anime, and you would be looking at a rough estimation of what I am today. It’s pretty pitiful because I don’t have any diagnosed retardation, I have just wasted much of the most productive years of my life. And for the last year or two, I have been stuck with this dream in mind: experiencing some life altering epiphany that would change the way that I viewed the world completely. I was waiting for the aroma of flowers, the flavor of food, and the pleasantness of music to reveal itself to me. I was waiting for social interactions to suddenly produce an unleashing of dopamine and for the enjoyment of fellowship to be enjoyable to me. Unfortunately, the opposite was closer to reality. Beauty now brings up very little emotions, eating is work, music – distracting, and social interactions have been one of the most life-sucking activities that I have to endure on a daily basis with a spike in those draining interactions maybe once or twice a week when I went to church to “fellowship.”

To console myself, I first started telling myself that everyone thought the way that I did. “I’m not unique! Everyone thinks like me.” I wanted to develop some point of commonality so that I could establish some sort of community of the heavy-laden. But then I inquired my brother about the way he thought and it was nothing like the way I thought. I was doing something wrong.

Objectively speaking, I was learning a lot, I was moving forward, I was moving up in life at a pretty decent pace. Relative to the majority of the world, I was/am experiencing a lot of success in life and have a lot more to look forward to than most people. What’s the problem?

The Paradox of Human’s Inability and Personal Responsibility

If pressed, I would have to admit that I live a pretty lavish lifestyle and have had more than I should be asking for. While twiddling my thumbs at work for a few minutes, I make more than what 1 billion people people in the world live off of for a day. I went to the top public university in the world, and I am not aware of making any mistakes so serious as to disqualify me for pursuing life as I want to live it. With the resources and opportunities that I have, I have taken on myself a task every person pursues, but no mere man is capable of accomplishing – fulfilling the meaning of life.

We are told by self help gurus that each one of as has a unique purpose that must be discovered and pursued. But the Bible says otherwise. Yes, we are unique, but our purpose is the same: to glorify God by enjoying Him forever. Seems easy enough; seems like my skill set equips me to accomplish this task. Oh, the Bible says otherwise there as well. My ability? Worthless. Worthless because I don’t even pass the prerequisite requirement of being holy and blameless. This is where I fail.

I struggle with thinking myself worthless when I think myself pretty worthless most of the time. But when it counts, I still think that my efforts should be acknowledged. I find it hard to believe that there is any blessedness in being poor in spirit. It just doesn’t make sense in my mind – I don’t want to make sense of it: I don’t want to make peace with that concept.

And so I waited. I waited for this idea to just click. I waited for some other revelation. I waited for a moment in my life that I could anchor my life upon as the moment of enlightenment. All the while, I was actually acting in rebellion against the truth that I am convinced of. I knew from the beginning of this struggle that it was really a choice to live with the paradox and a choice to be obedient to that which I knew. But that wasn’t as glamorous as I wanted it to be. I didn’t want to choose to do the right thing. I wanted the right things to just happen to me.

After many detours, I come back to the conclusion realized at the beginning. There is no magic in growth; there need not be any epiphany. Faithfulness is about choosing to do the right thing over and over.